It’s hard being a guy. CNN reports that–surprise!–men have trouble reading women’s signals. Why?

• Men are socially lame: “Men…misidentified 12 percent of the images as sexually interested, the study found, while women mistook 8.7 percent of images.”
• Women are confusing: they may be too embarrassed to show clear interest and “too nice” to express a lack of interest.

How can men read women better? Supposedly by looking out for lip-licking, shoe-glancing, arm-touching, and hair-fidgeting. Poor guys.

A male reader recounts a date:

Her:  I didn’t like Italy very much.  Nothing really worked; the trains were never on time.
Me:  You should have been there was Mussolini was in power!
Her:  ???
Me:  Because Mussolini supposedly made the trains run on time.
Her:  ???
Me:  OK.  So, Mussolini was the fascist dictator Italy during part of WWII.

On our second date, he got really drunk. He broke a wine glass, asked if he could stay over, and inquired whether, as a homeowner, I owed more money to my parents or the bank. Ouch.

I cut him some slack, though, when he explained that he hadn’t realized his new medication would amplify the effects of alcohol.

The next day, I remembered he was a doctor–he even teaches at the local medical school.

So he’s a med school instructor who drinks heavily without reading prescription labels? Who IS this guy?

The Boston Globe’s Carolyn Johnson reports on SweetOnGeeks.com and the world of nerd dating more generally. Highlight of the article: the guy who dresses like a pirate “as often as I possibly can.”

CNN offers don’ts for your dating profile photos:

• Don’t include animals or babies
• Don’t include other people
• Don’t use fuzzy pictures
• Don’t use old photos
• Don’t go overboard with touch-ups
• Don’t use sexy photos
• Don’t flash gang signs
• Don’t exclude your face

While there’s some good food for thought in here, I have to disagree on several points:

• Animals and babies – If you adore your pet or your new niece, do you really want to date someone who would be scared off by a photo that reflects that fact? Just avoid having half-a-dozen such photos–that’s overkill. And let the reader know if the kid is yours or not!
• Including other people – C’mon–having friends and family is a good thing. Just avoid shots of you with your arm wrapped around hotties of the opposite sex.

For extra credit, I’ll add two don’ts of my own:

• Men, don’t take your shirt off – A shirtless man comes across as arrogant, sex-obsessed, and trying too hard.
• Women, don’t exclude your body – Several of my guy friends avoid girls with face-only photos, suspicious that the girls are hiding major weight problems. If you’re a healthy weight, include a full-body photo.

In true Dating Don’ts style, CNN tells women how NOT to get a second date:

• “Forget” your wallet
• Cry
• Get all TMI
• Fixate on your ex

Granted, this article offers more parody than sincerity. But ladies, you could consider it a to-do list the next time you’re on a date with a guy you’re not interested in! Be sure to do your homework: brainstorm some juicy TMI and practice your crying-on-demand.

A reader named Craig writes:

“We met through an online dating site. We got together for dinner at a nice place, and had a wonderful conversation. This certainly seemed like an interesting date (cue foreboding music). At the end, she casually mentioned that it was all a ruse: she was actually a reporter doing a magazine story about online dating sites.”

Wow. I hope she paid for dinner.

Or slept with him.

Things not to write in your online dating profile:

• I hate fat people with a passion that borders on murderous rage. There is no reason for anyone to be fat, ever. This means you, yes you, in the back…I see you…Put down the second hamburger, get up, and go for a walk. Also, I hate old people, not people who have aged, or lived many years, but people who are OLD. The state of mind and behaviors that go with it. There are no words in any language for how I feel about fat AND old people.
• I drink, not often, but when I do, it better be good. Good beer, like Belgians, Lambics, Barley Wines, Meads, etc, and good hard liquor. I don’t consider Grey Goose to be GOOD. Its crap, backed up by marketing. Wines, but I am picky, Chenin Blanc, Gewurztramener, or Beujolais Neuvo and some Resielings.
• I am also an excellent cook, especially Italian and rare Steaks. Better than any woman I have dated, so please bring at least some other skill, preferably in the bedroom.
• I haven’t spoken to my Dad in over a year. I don’t like him.
• The best sex I ever had was with my girlfriend’s best friend.

Did I mention this guy contacted me? Did I mention I didn’t write back?

Yahoo! Personals offers an article on the rules governing phone conversations with people you’re dating. In brief, observe business etiquette:

1. Mirror their phone behavior
2. Don’t play games
3. No one’s too busy for a quick phone call

Eh. Possibly true, but not so entertaining

On the first date, he took a couple photos of me, talked about the kind of father he would be, and enthused that “we DEFINITELY need to get together again.” He may even have chirped “I love you!” at a clever quip of mine.

On the second date, he eagerly lent me a favorite book, insisting that I read it.

Over the next few days, he continued to IM me frequently, even gingerly inquiring whether our different religions constituted an issue.

I have to admit, I was excited about him, too.

And then, after date #3, he sent me this diagram and asked over IM:

where do you see yourself w/ me colorwise[?]
i see gray/red/purple triple point right now

To be clear, that’s the intersection of Awkwardness, Dating Potential, and F-Buddy Zone.

Wow. No, I’d say that question just moved me into the Zone of Pain. Look for your F-Buddy elsewhere.

Dating don’ts:

• Propose F-Buddy-hood
• …over IM
• …using a color-coded diagram