He asks where I went to college. After I tell him my big-name school, the tone of the conversation changes dramatically. He begins offering up unsolicited highlights from his resume, like his college GPA and the names of the four honors societies he was in. He also starts using language like, “I’ve always been able to achieve whatever I set my mind to.”

At the end of the date he says we should just be friends. This occurs right after he realizes he’s forgotten his wallet and I am forced to pay for us both.

Guy texts me and says I should come hang out with him.

I say sorry, I’m already at home in my far-away city.

Guy says I should invite him over.

I say if he’s foolish enough to drive that far, he’s invited.

Guy says he’ll depart in an hour.

…

An hour later, guy calls and says he hadn’t realized I lived 45 minutes away. He cancels on me.

And then he tries to compensate by gushing about how I’m “totally out of [his] league.”

Tonight, while eating dinner with my family, I spotted a cute guy at another table. When I whispered this to my mother, she started drafting him a note to express my interest. “If I were as shy as you,” she chided me, “I wouldn’t be married to your father and you wouldn’t be here!”

My siblings grinned and started drafting notes of their own.

Finally I decided, “screw it, why not?” and had the waiter slip him my number.

I watched his table–him and his family–dissolve into incredulous laughter. I expected him to slink out of the restaurant without making eye contact, but he actually came over to the table to say hi.

He says he’ll call, but we’ll see. I’d certainly be dubious of some dude who picked me up in a freakin’ pizza parlor.

“come over tonight and movie/snuggle me “

Coming from a boyfriend, that message is cute.

But coming from a complete stranger on a dating site? Not so much.

Step 1: Guy on dating site sends random email asking me out to dinner.

Step 2: I’m surprised there’s no email chit-chat first, but figure “why not” and accept.

Step 3: We go to a pricey restaurant.

Step 4: I say, “I’d like to pay for my half.”

Step 5: He says, “No, no, let me.”

Step 5: He says, “Really? You’re sure? Well, OK then.”

Step 5: He says, “Well, I wasn’t expecting to pay for your half.”

–

No, no, no! There’s a reason that no pickup lines resemble, “Hey girlie, how about I invite you to bask in my manly presence while you pay for your own food and drink?”

Stories of a developmentally delayed sister, a mentally ill mother, a drug-addicted stepmother, and a suicidal father who may, in fact, have been murdered.

And that, my friends, is a first date.

I got asked out by not one, but two 22-year-olds yesterday.

My mother seems to think that I’m seeking out much-younger men on purpose, contrary to my best interests.

I swear I’m not.

My proof: earlier in the conversation with each of them, I was prattling on about my marriage-and-babies time line.

Seriously, no self-respecting cougar would be that stupid. Right? Right.

A friend writes:

“Last night, this Argentinian playboy was trying to hook up with me at a bar. His line, unfortunately, was, ‘You have that look in your beady eyes.’”

OK, it looks like my ex’s best friend continues to figure prominently my dating life. Like, take the new guy I’m going to see Saturday night. They took calculus together in high school.

OK, this is just getting silly.

Remember how eHarmony matched me with my ex’s best friend on Sunday?

Well, yesterday I went speed dating with two friends, and guess who my first date was?

Bingo.