This guy wrote again. This time, the message is slightly different:

Subject of message: girl

Body of message: you

Note the transition from “woman” to “girl” and the omission of the period after “you.” I’d say we’re getting more conversationally intimate.

I went out to a dive bar tonight on a date. And who should show up but some Caltech guy I’d gone on two or three dates with–the one who thought I was stalking him after I correctly guessed, based on his posture and personality, that he was a fencer. We waved awkwardly.

But as they say on the infomercials, “But wait! There’s more!”

After the date, I returned home and checked my email. A stranger on a dating site, seventeen years my senior, had written me:

Hey there. Was that you on [the dive bar street] tonight at about 7:30? If so, I love your new glasses!

Are you freaking. kidding. me.

Another email from a stranger:

Subject of message: LOL

Body of message: You forehead excites me.

I’m Jewish. My date is not. Perhaps wanting to bridge the cultural divide, he offers up a “some of my best friends are Jewish” story:

“One of my good friends from business school is Jewish, actually.”

Here I smirk at his use of “actually,” which could be taken to mean that Jews are rare at business school.

“He lives in New York with his wife now, and he’s really Jewish. Like, there’s a day of the week when he doesn’t open the fridge. Sunday, maybe? I don’t really get it. Anyway, they recently had a baby and they took him to church to get christened.”

I giggle and point out that since “christened” has the word “Christ” in it, the Jewish baby was probably not christened.

He was trying, though. I give him credit for that.

Ugh, I’m so bad at dating cool-kid sophisticates.

“So,” he says, “do you also totally love backpacking/classical music/cooking/rock climbing/indie bands/Tahoe/fine wine?”

“Um,” I respond, “not especially.”

I need a better script. Suggestions?

In the meantime, I’m contemplating whether I need to pick up a hobby or just start lying about my interests

Some guy sends me this:

Subject of message: woman

Body of message: you.

Yeah, that’s it.

Chapter 1:

Once upon a time, perhaps four years ago, I message a guy named J. on a dating site. He seems like an uncannily good match, so I show my mother his profile. She thinks so, too, and is surprised when he doesn’t write back. A few days later, she informs me that she has revisited his profile, noticed his IM username in it, and taken it upon herself to IM him.

Just take a moment to absorb that.

So she IMs him “10 reasons to date my daughter.”

Then, for the sake of fair and balanced reporting, she IMs him “10 reasons you might not want to date my daughter.”

Needless to say, I never hear from him.

---

Chapter 2:

About two years ago I’m out with my friend D. and his girlfriend A. I describe the kind of guy I’m looking to meet, and they both perk up.

Them: “Oh, you should totally meet our friend J.!”

Me: “J.? J. [Last Name]?”

Them: “Oh my god, yeah, you know him?!?”

Me: “Um. No, actually.”

---

Chapter 3:

Last night I go to an event. I’m talking to some VP who can’t believe I’ve heard of his startup until I explain that I’ve gone on a date with a member of his engineering team. He reports that I’d selected one of the more datable engineers, asks when that was so he can map that information against the engineer’s productivity over time, and mentions in a surprisingly serious manner that he’ll be happy to send me an employee directory with photos if I’d like to check out some of the other engineers.

Just then, my sister materializes and grabs my shoulder.

“Oh my god, do you know who’s coming tonight? Facebook said so.”

“No, who?”

“J.”

::shrieking ensues::

Oh man, I was sooooo looking forward to seeing how Chapter 3 would play out.

But alas, I had to run off to a date. With, um, the guy whose roommate I had already dated.

Yeah, this is my life.

1. He sends me this first email:

off to meetings shortly (even in academia there is no respite..);
love the [anecdote from your profile].

hope the day is fabulous.

2. I try to start up a conversation by sending him an email about his field of study and his recent reads.

3. He sends me this second email:

Hello,
I’m in long beach (and heading off to a meeting in the next 15 minutes), I will be back in SJ on Friday (eve)…

On sat (daytime) I am at a california state student association meeting (representing the Academic Senate CSU) which coincidently is in San Jose ….

this means that friday (mid evening) or sat could work

I’ll try to write more when I have time to think…

best,
-Mark

Wait, what? I didn’t know you could schedule a date without asking someone out first…

First I read this on his profile:

Do you drink?
Often

Hm, not really my thing, but I’m trying to keep an open mind. Then I read this:

Do you do drugs?
Socially

Dude, what does that mean? Like weekends, weddings, and bar mitzvahs?

Some random dude wrote me the following…or should I say cut-and-pasted?

How do you truly and appropriately begin something like this? Neither my tongue nor my hands have been gifted for writing or speaking. Quickly they reveal a continuum of arthritic and apoplectic rhetoric. (That’s pretty cool. Three words ending with “-ic” in the same sentence. That doesn’t happen everyday…hehe) Of course, that notwithstanding, on occasion I’m able to string a few words together and express my thoughts. At times, incoherently. Depends if I have been sipping on some spirits.

Writing provides a nice advantage: it’s deliberately slow. It allows for dissection and digestion of thoughts–your own and someone else’s. However, it’s only a means-to-an-end. So, what does all this rambling mean? I can spend a lot time writing, but as does a tasty sauce, it reduces down to, “Taste the sauce and tell me what you think.” More seriously, let’s have a conversation. About what? Anything. Silly. Serious. Somewhere in between. Maybe during an awkward pause that measures compatibility, someone screams out “Yahtzee!” or something or other. People are more than a gin rummy of words. They are not mere adjectives but verbs of the weightiest kind. They must be set in motion, however hard it is to accomplish, to fully experience them. Shall you taste the sauce? Please do.

Take care abundantly!!