Case Study #5: Stalkers always get the girl

Things not to do during the date:

• Lie about your education
• Complain about your school, your family, your work (pick one, max)
• Preach the virtues of recreational drug use

Things not to do after the date:

• After tracking down her IM username, IM her–unsolicited–about the contents of her personal blog…which you also tracked down
• Also IM her–unsolicited–about how she doesn’t really know you and she should give you another chance
• Change your username to continue IMing her after she blocks your first username

Case Study #4: “chemistry … or what we did not have”

After our first date he wrote this email entitled “chemistry … or what we did not have”:

—
from: [The Guy]
to: [Dating Don’ts Girl]
date: Wed, Aug 1, 2007 at 10:02 PM
subject: chemistry … or what we did not have

I am not normally that blunt, but maybe we can be friends and joke later about how bad that was. After a certain point, I did not mind breaking the fourth wall and talking about the date and dating because it was so obvious … whatever it is, we were not having it. Wow.

Anyhow, thanks for dinner and thanks for giving things a shot. There are a few questions that occurred to me, I hope you don’t mind me asking you at some point.

[The Guy]

“Things I Desperately Wish Women Would Say to Me…”

On humor magazine McSweeney’s, Mike Drucker shares “Things I Desperately Wish Women Would Say to Me on First Dates”:

• “Tell me again about the hidden minus world in Super Mario Bros.”
• “Is that an XXL Magic: The Gathering shirt? Plus five to Gryffindor!”
• “I think Superman represents the federal government, while Batman represents the autonomous local governments.”
• “Captain Picard, of course!”
• “I really enjoyed this date. I’d like it if you called me.”

Case Study #3: DUI’s are sexy

What not to talk about on a date:

• The depth of your love for your ex

So on date #4, he launches into the story of his ex. How he took her on vacation with him, how he bought her diamond earrings, how he’d never felt that much in love and didn’t even know he had it in him, how she said she doesn’t want to be with him, how she was still in love with her other ex even though the loser can’t seem to show love for her. This goes on for about 20 or 30 minutes.

He’s breaking one of the cardinal rules of dating, sure–but he’s a good guy, so I figure there’s a reason he’s baring his soul to me.

And then comes the reason: His ex got a DUI over the weekend and he was the person she called. He felt touched by her reaching out to him, and he realized how much he loved her still.

I got broken up with for a girl who (a) says she doesn’t love him, and (b) calls him from jail.

Awesome.

Case Study #2: MIT–where the odds are good, but the goods are odd

What not to do:

• Schedule a first date in your city, not mine
• Schedule the date at a venue that is closed
• Let the girl pay not just for her half, but for the entire thing

What not to say:

• I’m having a BBQ this weekend, but you’re not invited.
• That MIT professor was a total idiot; I had to drop the class.
• HR told me to apologize for calling my coworker a moron–but he is a moron, so I refused.

Case Study #1: At least he can craft a broadsword

What not to wear:

• a bright-orange shirt
• gold jewelry
• a full-length black leather trench

What not to discuss:

• cannibalism: potential appeal, amino acids provided
• furries
• decision to leave Renaissance Faire circuit due to lack of historical accuracy