One of my favorite questions when corresponding with someone I haven’t met yet is “what’s your hidden talent?” I think it’s a fun question, but it also elicits sleazy answers like this:
Maybe that would be for you to discover with me
That feels inappropriate and socially retarded coming from someone I don’t know. I’m inclined to drop this guy like a hot potato. Am I being too judgmental here?
Some dude writes me an email:
i’m 50. but i don’t feel a day over 30.
Worth a try, right?
On a first date tonight, I totally wipe out–hand and knees on the floor–as I walk back from the bathroom.
My eyes fly to my date. Is he going to thing I’m a drunk? Oh God, let him not think I’m a drunk.
He is completely absorbed in his iPhone. Clueless.
Thank you, Steve Jobs. Thank you.
This happened a couple years ago.
Our first date was nice enough. We had tea, then chatted while strolling through the art museum. Though far different from what I’m used to–more into the arts, history, and politics–he was plenty engaging. He was also a starving artist type, a classical musician, but I didn’t think too much about that.
For our second date, he had me drive to his place. When I arrived, he was on the phone, so I paced around his apartment. Ten or fifteen minutes later, he finally got off the phone and unexpectedly shouted “hey, sugar mamma!”
(What?!?)
Then he grabbed me and started dancing me around the apartment while singing “I Got a Woman,” a song whose lyrics include “She give me money when I’m in need.”
Eventually he released me and announced proudly, “I just saved fifty bucks on my phone bill because I was able to provide tax returns showing that I make less than $24,000 a year. I’m taking us out to dinner!”
As we walked up the block to a divey sushi restaurant, he stopped by the corner convenience store to cash in a $5 lottery ticket.
After that dinner, I never heard from him again.
Going out tonight with a new guy tonight. He told me he had perfect SAT scores.
And no, this is not the first time that a guy I haven’t yet met has told me about his perfect SAT scores.
Some women inspire men to conquer empires. Some women inspire men to write songs. I apparently inspire men to disclose standardized test scores.
Things I learned last night:
I love my life. Never ceases to entertain.
Guy asks me out for a drink. He says how about Monday. I say I could do Monday at 10, but isn’t that too late? He writes back:
That is certainly not too late for my tastes though it does present the practical problem of where I stay [since I won’t be able to catch the train back to my place]. Suggestions?
Wait–did this dude just semi invite himself over?
Ran into N. last night. She informed me we’re up to six guys in common that we’ve dated now. It’s extra peculiar since we live about 40 minutes apart and she’s built rather like a model while I’m, well, let’s call me delightfully short and sturdy.
D. says N. and I should put up a joint web site where you can submit a request to date one or both of us.
N. also said she remains in touch with one of the six guys, T., and he claims to be interested in me. This is stupid in light of these two facts:
1. T. told me his first impression of me was that I was weird. I mean, sure, I’m weird, but why would you say that?
2. More to the point, T. never asked me out after the first date.
Clearly the actions of someone who is interested.
Some guy messages me.
I visit his profile and it says he’s in a relationship, but is looking to be more social.
In an effort to be a nicer online dater, I decide to write back. I thank him for his message, but explain I’m not looking to connect with anyone who is already in a relationship.
He replies:
hi. i set my profile as seeing somebody so i don’t get tagged by ass-hunters, since i’m on [the site] to expand my social circle (& not hunt ass.) i sent you a ‘ME TOO!’ message because i thought i’d be nice, & hearing from complete strangers validating is, i figured, a neat thing. far be it from me to envision biting into your limited & therefore precious social time… especially since you’re not really what i’d term “my type.” especially not with that kind of a reply.
Wait, did he just call me an (a) unattractive (b) bitch?
That’s kinda awesome. Thanks.
A male friend of mine offered to guest-post. And here, he humbly presents….
Four Ways To Make Sure Guys Don’t Write You on Match
1) Have a really bland statement that says nothing about you.
Most profiles have a way of being amazingly prolific in such a painfully cliche sort of way that one learns nothing at all about the author. Or maybe the thing that you learn is that they are insipidly uncreative and dull.
Example:
I am a sweet, honest, and respectful girl that appreciates beauty in nature and art. I like travel and wine and long walks on the beach. I really enjoy getting dolled up for a night on the town in heels and a skirt, but I also like spending nights in, cuddling on the couch with a movie. I’m slow to fall in love but when you’ve got me, you’ll have a partner that will stick with you through everything. I’m looking for a man that is kind and faithful and that I can spend the rest of my life with. I like dancing, my friends, and my family. And I LOVE to laugh.
Now I just made that up, but that seriously is a functional equivalent to about 95% of the profiles out there. I’ve spent a minute or two reading it and I know absolutely nothing interesting or notable about you. I’m not going to remember you for a second, and neither will anyone else. You’re clearly afraid to be you.
How to break out:
Don’t be afraid to be weird. If you’re into canyoneering in Utah or taking the best macro photos of gecko skin in the world, let that show. If you dream about selling your meatloaf recipe or collect pigeon stools, that’s still awesome because it’s something that people will remember about you.
And c’mon. Nobody actually likes walks on the beach that much in California. It’s cold and windy and overcast and there are dead seals and dead birds and decomposing kelp chunks and jellyfish everywhere. It’s actually quite unpleasant for anything more than about a minute.
2) Be really apologetically self-conscious about your online dating.
Look, everybody is on online dating sites. It’s just how it’s done. You don’t need to freak out about it. And yes, you need to summarize yourself in a few paragraphs. I don’t want to hear about how you found that so incredibly challenging any more than how I want to hear about how your trip to the bathroom was pretty difficult.
Example:
Oh goodness, wow, I have to write 255 characters about myself? Um, that’s kind of hard, gosh. So, I’m a little nervous about this online thing, it’s really not the kind of thing that I normally do, but my roommate talked me into it after I kind of lost a bet and now I have to be on here. OH YAY I MADE IT TO 255 CHARACTERS!
How to break out:
Easy. Don’t make a big deal of the fact that you’re writing a profile. Just do it. Everyone else had to, too, you know. You didn’t get singled out.
3) Use consistently terrible grammar and/or TXT-SPK.
The degree of class you show in your textual presentation will say a lot about what kind of person people expect to find when they meet you. It’s not a big deal if there’s a typo or two (c’mon, we’re all human, there are probably a few mistakes in this article!) but if you consistently portray yourself with bad grammar or use a lot of TXT-SPK, you are going to make people think you are a stupid teenage whore. And hey, maybe that’s a good brand for you. But if it’s not, spend a minute or two to tidy it up.
Example:
LOL OMG SO I M SO LKNG FWD 2 MTG TEH HOT GUYS LIK U ON THIS SRVICE!! PLS MSG ME RITE AWAY DAWG B/C I M HAWT N U R 2. LOL! TINGS I LIKE R LIKE 92.7 N DA DANCE OOMPAOOMPA MUSIC IF U NO WUT IZ MEEN. PEECE!!!!
How to break out:
No all-caps except for really rare emphasis, please. aNd mIxEd cAsE dOeS nOt mAkE yOu LoOk eDgY, jUsT dUmB.
4) Use only from-above headshots.
Everyone knows the “Myspace shot” angle, a self-held camera from above, just framing the face (and maybe a boob or two). It makes you look half decent, pulls your face into a smile, and hides that double chin that you’re developing, but since the point of the site is actually meeting people, your hot profile pic is not going to fool
anybody when you actually meet someone and you’re going to feel a whole lot worse when the guy of your dreams runs away from the table screaming than if he just never wrote you in the first place.
How to break out:
Use pictures that actually look like you. Ones that are smiling, fun, unique, that show you doing a hobby you really love or in a place that means a lot to you. And I’m sorry but yes, you really should have a full-body shot of some kind that shows off your figure well. Get mad if you want, but it matters to a guy. And if you don’t have any full-body shots, a guy is just going to assume you’re really *incredibly* fat. So if you weigh less than 300 pounds, include it. Most people actually do not have very good pictures of themselves. Have one of your friends with a *good* camera spend half an hour with you with good lighting and dressed well. It’s not vanity, it’s showing the best of what you’ve got.
a girl’s-eye-view of the dating world–100% true, because truth is stranger than fiction.
Dating Don'ts 